Three Reasons Why Jon Ryan and Sarah Colonna Should Hire Me As Their Wedding Photographer

So, as an up-and-coming wedding photographer I have dreams/aspirations about weddings I would like to shoot.

  • A gay biker wedding! Sons of Matrimony!
  • A wedding on a yacht (What I really want is to be able to run off in a corner, call my husband, say, “I’m on a boat, muthafucka!” and then hang up.)
  • Maybe someone could simply fly me to Paris or Hawaii to take their photos.

Anyway. Dreams! Wedding photographers have them too.

I have a new dream, though. It is to somehow get Jon Ryan and Sarah Colonna to hire me to shoot their wedding.

Here are three reasons why they should hire me!

 

OMG!! Run!!

OMG!! Run!!

1. I am a fun, happy, skilled little photographer who shoots weddings and I will make myself available on their date.
NO MATTA WHAT. I take pretty pictures and I have fun doing it. I love LOVE, and people having fun, and all that stuff. This makes me good at my job. I am sure that Sarah and Jon know lots of amazingly skilled, famous, fabulous photographers — they are virtually surrounded by them. But, PSSH! Forget those folks! Let’s hire me. Or hire me in addition to them. We’re talking about making dreams come true, folks. It’s no contest, really.

 

 

This is how excited I got one time the Seahawks won a preseason game.

2. I am a 12, a rabid, wild Seahawks fan, and I have been a fan of Sarah Colonna’s comedy, not to mention her fabulous hair, for years.
For those not in the know the Seahawks’ punter Jon Ryan is the BEST PUNTER IN THE WORLD. He pretty much always pins people behind the ten yard line, and when he doesn’t he’s pinning them behind the five. His punts, combined with the Seahawks’ stellar defense, are why no one can score any points against our team. GO HAWKS. I SHALL SHOOT THIS WEDDING AS TRIBUTE. Hire a 12 today! Will work for Seahawks merch!

And regarding Sarah, the lady with the quick wit and the beautiful mane — my husband and I were watchers of Chelsea Lately and After Lately, and Sarah is hilarious. As well as writing for TV, she writes books. Her book Life As I Blow It was amazing, but be warned you’ll look like a crazy person if you try to read it in public because you’ll erupt into peals of laughter. Can’t wait to read Has Anyone Seen My Pants? when it comes out in March.

When I heard that Ross Matthews (a fellow Seahawks fan) more or less set the two of them up, I was like, “That’s too perfect. Come on. NO WAY. Shut UP.”

I’m a journalist and I’ve interviewed and photographed a bunch of people that are considered famous. Know what I found out? These people are just normal people who happen to be famous. Some of them are assholes, some of them are cool. I believe Jon and Sarah to be the latter and I’d love to document their love fest. On twitter they make me laugh all the time and they seem like an awesome couple.

Bonus, here’s a photo I tweeted back in 2012, showing off my xmas presents. Note the new Seahawks hat and the copy of Sarah’s book. This was before they were even dating! Boom.

IMG_20121225_172339

Super excited about my @Seahawks puffball hat and @sarahcolonna & Sapphire books. Thanks, @mortdieu! Mwah! http://t.co/hxKGxcdL

— olyheather (@olyheather) December 26, 2012

 

3. I am a small little nugget of a gal and this will provide entertainment for their guests.
I’m only 4’11” and I’m not what you would call skinny. I am sure that my roundness and tininess will be a comical novelty, and that means that there’s more smiling in the photos. Can you imagine me standing next to the friends and family members of an NFL player? That’s just hilarious. And don’t worry, I always lug a stool around so that I can get a better angle on people. Don’t be a fool, grab a stool! When I shoot photos at burlesque events, sometimes I wear a blue wig and antennae. I can dress normal, or I can dress like a weirdo. It’s your call.

 

As well as a normal "slacks and a blouse" attire, I come with an optional "fun outfit"

As well as normal “slacks and a blouse” attire, I come with an optional “fun outfit”